Lying is a behaviour that can worry and frustrate parents, especially when it becomes a habit. While honesty is a core value we hope to instil in our children, it’s important to remember that lying is a common part of childhood development. Children in Malaysia and Singapore, just like elsewhere, may lie for various reasons—fear of punishment, pressure to succeed, or difficulty expressing emotions.
Understanding why your child lies is the first step to addressing the behaviour with empathy and effectiveness.
Why Do Children Lie?
Children lie for different reasons depending on their age and circumstances. Some common causes include:
- Fear of Consequences
If children believe telling the truth will result in harsh punishment, they may lie to avoid it. - To Impress or Gain Attention
Children may fabricate stories to seem more interesting or to fit in with peers. - To Avoid Disappointment
In high-achievement cultures like Malaysia and Singapore, children may lie to hide poor results or failures to avoid disappointing their parents. - Testing Boundaries
Especially in younger children, lying can be a way to explore rules and see what they can get away with. - Lack of Understanding
Young children may not clearly understand the difference between reality and fantasy.
How to Handle Lying Effectively
1. Stay Calm and Avoid Harsh Reactions
When you catch your child lying, avoid yelling or shaming. A harsh reaction can increase fear and make them lie more in the future.
Instead, approach them with calm curiosity:
“Can you help me understand what happened?”
This invites dialogue rather than defensiveness.
2. Understand the Reason Behind the Lie
Ask yourself:
- Is your child afraid of punishment?
- Are they trying to avoid embarrassment?
- Do they feel pressured to be perfect?
Understanding the “why” helps you address the root cause, not just the behaviour.
3. Teach the Value of Honesty
Use real-life examples and stories to show the benefits of being truthful, such as:
- Gaining trust
- Avoiding more trouble in the long run
- Building strong relationships
Make honesty a family value that’s praised and reinforced regularly.
4. Praise Truth-Telling, Even When It’s Hard
Let your child know you appreciate when they tell the truth, especially when it’s difficult.
“I know it wasn’t easy to admit that, but I’m proud of you for being honest.”
This builds confidence and encourages honesty in future situations.
5. Set Clear, Consistent Consequences
If lying continues, apply fair and age-appropriate consequences. Make sure your child understands that the consequence is for the dishonesty, not just the behaviour being covered up.
Avoid overly harsh punishments—these often increase the likelihood of future lying.
6. Create a Safe, Open Environment
Children are more likely to be honest if they feel safe sharing their feelings and mistakes. Encourage open communication by:
- Listening without judgement
- Asking open-ended questions
- Showing empathy when they struggle
This is especially important in competitive or high-pressure academic settings common in this region.
7. Be a Role Model
Children learn from what they see. If they catch you telling “white lies” or being dishonest, they’ll mimic that behaviour.
Model truthfulness in your daily life, even in small matters, and explain why honesty matters.
8. Avoid Setting Unrealistic Expectations
If a child feels they must be perfect, they may lie to maintain that image. Be supportive of their efforts, not just their achievements.
Instead of saying, “Why didn’t you get full marks?” try, “Let’s talk about what was hard and how we can work on it together.”
When to Seek Professional Help
If lying becomes frequent, manipulative, or part of a pattern of other concerning behaviour (e.g., stealing, aggression, defiance), consider speaking with a child psychologist or counsellor. Early intervention can prevent deeper issues down the road.
Lying doesn’t make your child a “bad” person—it’s often a sign that they’re struggling to cope with something. Your response can either reinforce the behaviour or help your child feel safe enough to be honest. With patience, guidance, and consistent support, children can learn the value of truth and grow into trustworthy, responsible individuals.
